My Husband Lowkey wants to move back to NYC
Typing these words alone felt so strange to me. I’ve been sitting with this conversation we had for a few days now. I told him I wanted to journal about it to help wrap my head around it all some more. If you didn’t know, my substack is my journal so lets break it down together.
I met my husband Phil in Savannah, Georgia, he’s a comic book artist. He eagerly left New York to pursue an art degree at SCAD and had no intentions of returning with the objective of broadening his horizons. I thought that was great because I didn’t have any interest in living there, ever. What I did enjoy was visiting. Phil and I have been together for 11 years and counting. We spent our early years as a long distance relationship so I visited him in New York or we vacationed in New York quite often since we always had a free place to stay. I have loved getting to know the city through his eyes. I loved learning about the places and things that shaped who he is. I love the neighborhood we stay in. I love walking down the street hearing Jamaican patois and Spanish from street corners, porches, balconies, and the grocery store aisles.
After I graduated from University of Michigan, we packed all our things into a storage unit, parked my car at my brother’s house in Chicago, and we got 1 way tickets to NYC. I had a scholarship through the University of Michigan to do a paid internship at any museum of my choosing to complete my minor in Museum Studies. California was actually my top choice but the cost of living was too high for what the scholarship allowed. With Phil’s dad being in the Bronx I could extend my budget more and take advantage of a summer in NYC. I worked at the Rubin Museum for 2.5 months. We ultimately stayed in NY for a total of 4 months. Phil actually spent more than half that time finishing up his MFA in Comics at CCA in San Francisco. Before we went, he had almost 2 weeks to teach me how to navigate the trains on my own. I grew accustomed to just following his lead. I learned how to carry myself in New York (it’s a thing). I learned how to navigate the trains. I explored that summer. I went to exhibition openings. Saw plenty of art. Got to hang with Claudia Rankine for a bit. Rubbed elbows with folk at Mac Dowell Foundation. It was very fun and exciting. It was also a little scary sometimes. I gave myself a curfew to avoid being on the train solo at night. Trains run a little less frequently out to the Bronx at night and on the weekends, so I moved accordingly. That also meant I missed out on night time networking events and often had to dip out early to get home in a timely manner. It didn’t take long for me to really grow to hate the long commute. It took a full hour or more to get from the Bronx into Manhattan. I rarely ever went to Brooklyn cause that would be even farther! In the morning with the express trains I could get into the city in like 45 minutes which was great, but being packed like sardines and having to be aggressive to get a seat was exhausting. My best days and nights in NYC have always been when we stayed in Manhattan. A handful of times we stayed in a hotel for like an anniversary. We even had a photoshoot on Roosevelt Island. Years later when I would work for a NY based company I went for a work meeting and stayed in a hotel and had a great time. I actually love the city-versions of Targets, home depots, whole foods, and Michaels stores. I loved stumbling upon festivals and block party events. I also witnessed the stark differences between life in Manhattan vs an outer borough like the Bronx. For a few years, Phil took me to see the Rockettes annually. It was supposed to be a forever annual thing, but that’s another story. In the city when it snowed the streets were quickly and frequently shoveled and cleared. Then as we traveled back to the Bronx, looking outside the train at every stop the snow piles got higher and higher and higher as we went further away from the city. It was a snowy adventure traversing the sidewalks literally hidden under the snow with just someone else’s footsteps to guide you. It became very clear to me life in the city was definitely one of privilege. I would joke with Phil and say that in order for me to live here, I need a building with a doorman, an elevator, and a view. It was really just a joke though, right? Did I mention my best friend Monee also lives in NY?
Fast forward to 2025. We spent last weekend in New York to spend time with Phil’s mom. We inherited his father’s home in the Bronx after he passed away, did a partial renovation and moved his mom into it from Staten Island. We still have to renovate the basement and exterior, but we got the essentials done to preserve its mid-century magic. If you don’t know I love Phil’s NY accent. Its sexy, period. I often joke that he needs to return regularly to recharge it. The truth is its never going away. Before we were parents, we discussed spending summers in NY so our children can get to know the city personally and come to know they have access to it and that its a resource and a part of our story. I know Phil feels super proud strolling his son through the city. We haven’t been back to NY as often as we hoped since having Nasir, but at age 1.5 he has been to the city 3x already and I think that’s still amazing.
As we walked through Gale winds, I asked Phil if we needed to spend more time here like we originally intended. I asked him this question knowing the answer was yes. What I wasn’t expecting was for him to say, yes, and I lowkey want to move back. He shared his last solo trip to NY was nostalgic and that he started envisioning being there with Nasir and that he really missed it. This could totally just be new parent eyes and nostalgia merging for him, but I continued the conversation because knowing my husband he wouldn’t let himself fully consider moving back to be an option for us. So I said let’s talk it through. We discussed work opportunities, money of course, needed renovations on the house to be comfortable for that long of a time period. We talked through a lot of things and the more we talked the more uncomfortable I got. Why? Well you see, one time my husband (who doesn’t ask for anything) reminisced on a missed childhood dream of having a dog. I watched him aspiringly watch this family and their dog in a park. Next thing you know we were dog owners a year later, and I am NOT a dog person. I am still not a dog person, I only like our dog. Its been 4 beautiful years with our little soca loving shiba inu.
As much as I would love to fold and let it happen, I also feel a need to be self aware of my needs to feel safe and how I envision life with my family. Navigating the trains and the city with a stroller is a chore! It’s doable, yes, but it’s also exhausting. It has me thinking about suburban life vs city life. I love living in proximity to a city. I’m definitely not a rural gal. I want a balance of suburban vibes with quick access to the action. We love where we live in Stone Mountain. We love living in a walkable community. I love that I can be in the City of Atlanta in 25 minutes by car. I love having access to nature, trails, and playgrounds. New York’s museum system is unmatched and so accessible. There are so many incentives for libraries and museums there. If we were living in or closer to Manhattan I think I could easily see myself saying yes, but saying yes to the Bronx has more concessions and considerations. I do love the neighborhood in the Bronx. I could get to know the neighbors. I have a favorite Jamaican restaurant, smoothie shop, and now pizza spot within minutes by foot that I enjoy every time I am there.
What we agree on is that we are not selling our Atlanta home. This home is a legacy property we intend to keep in the family. We literally painted prayers with our families names in the interior walls when it was being built. So this house stays. What we agreed on is being flexible on where we live especially while Nasir is not in school. I have my own business so I can work anywhere. Phil is a professor though, so wherever he got a job we would live there for 9 months out of the year. But I don’t know about 9 months in NY. I don’t know…nah maybe I do know. I think what we need is to stay the course on clearing debt and making more money so that we can finish renovations on the house in the Bronx. Then I think we should revisit the concept of spending our summers in New York…yeah I think that’s it. Did I mention I am extremely terrified of mice. I kid you not.
The truth is I am open to whatever God has in store for me. If that means 9 months in NYC, then I would make the most of it. I still can’t help but see dollar signs when I think about us existing in NY logistically. We would both have to be working to sustain life in NY and our home in Atlanta. I do have more work relationships in the city though because of my last company being based there. My work experience would be extremely lucrative being based in NY. That could solve our money issues, maybe. With the new leadership and maternal health policies, it could be a good place to have more babies, if I can feel safe and secure enough to want to get pregnant again (more on that another day). After 7 years in Atlanta, I am finally gaining some traction, but perhaps distance will make Atlanta’s heart fonder for me. Who knows. I love the idea of older children like 8 years and old in NY. What are the perks of having baby babies in the city? I guess I could do some research.
This is where I am landing. For now it’s a no. Relocating to NYC for 9 months out of the year is a no for me. However, it’s a no with a really big asterisk, because for the right dollar amount, for the right career advancing opportunity, I could say yes.
Let’s see where the coconuts land.
Thanks for reading.
Peace + Love,
Stephanie